Friday, October 1, 2010

DIY Ebay Polygraph Kit

yet again, i stoop into the realm of the political, please forgive me.

some of you may be aware of late breaking scandal involving california's gubernatorial (i do love that word) contender and former CEO of ebay, meg whitman. whitman has taken a hard line stance against employers who engage in the practice of hiring undocumented workers. this week, it became known to the public that ms. whitman herself is presumably one such employer. a former domestic employee has come forward with a notification of social security number mis-match that is dated 2003 with a hand written note by ms. whitman's husband asking the employee to 'look into this'. such evidence would suggest that the whitman family knew that their maid's eligibility to work in this country was in question. the whitman family failed to respond to the letter sent by the social security administration and left it in the hands of the employee in question.

ms whitman stated that she never saw this letter and is willing to take a polygraph to 'prove' it. i must say, this brings all sorts of fanciful imaginings into my head. first and foremost is that making such an offer ought to be a death knell to any political campaign, but in today's political climate, one never knows. then i veer off into wishing that all politicians were hooked up to polygraph machines from the time they announce their candidacy until their public service has concluded.

then, there is the uniquely awful picture in my head of ms. whitman in a do it yourself lie detection machine, rendered to the best of my photo-shopping ability

meg whitmans DIY poligraph

i am thinking how much i would like to sell this original artwork on my ebay account, complete with a 'buy it now' option in mock solidarity with ms. whitman and her desire to purchase the governorship of my dear state.

submitted for your approval


Saturday, April 17, 2010

no longer can i go see my pal Cal

in this day heightened media exposure, i am always amazed at how 'news' can actually reach us. today, i discovered the loss of the legendary used auto salesman, cal worthington on my youtube channel.

i first encountered cal as a child of the 60s, in that bastion of bizarre architecture, southern califora. my pampered (no, disposable diapers had not yet been invented) behind parked on an orange shag rug that my mother dutifully raked on a daily basis and gazing at a monstrous black and white motorola tv screen during commercial breaks for the flintstones (and no, they were not reruns at the time). laughing at cal's antics with the rotation of his 'dogs' spot along with my folks, i recognized my hero of marketing and retail. little did i know that my parents would soon relocate our family to northern california on 30 acres of prime ranch land, in the outskirts of a miniscule town that was also home to my retailing hero, cal and his family.

the following is something i posted on a myspace blog some time ago and relates the events of my brothers high school graduation, along with cal's daughter. farewell cal.

- - - -

f you're a child of the sixties or even of the seventies
most likely from the southern california area
there is no way that you cannot remember
Cal Worthingington

we had the dubious distinction of attending high school with Cal's daughter, Courtney, in the cow town of Orland, California go see cal. although the details are sketchy of her graduation night party, this is what i do know

If your daughter graduates
and you're cal
and she makes stee-rate B's
and you're cal
give her a chevy blazer
and the cow who was a grazer
is a burger on a bun now
if you're cal

the actual number of cows who met their demise is somewhat questionable. what is a known factor is that when cow meets vehicle, the vehicle almost always looses. no telling what she'd have gotten if she made straight Cs -- a corvette perchance?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

how to deal with domestic terrorists effectively and other political crap

more political crap from me, cause i just can't help it, dammit.

normally, i would apologize to anyone i may offend by posting my own political views. in this case, i won't. feel free to delete yourself should you disagree with the honorable mr. frank.

this is the way it oughtta be.

Monday, July 6, 2009

dreams -- up in smoke

i started seeing a new guy, he seems pretty nice, says he's "loaded". which judging from his behavior, i'm inclined to agree. he even owns his own skyscraper in san francisco. it just gets a little embarrassing when he introduces himself to others, it's not just the red eyes and cheeto dust on his fingers . . .

you got it,
"Bong, James Bong"

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Leading a Laughing Jackass to Slaughter in 24 easy steps

(an internet story of intrigue)

the following is an example of an 'internet social networking' correspondence, the genre with which i have developed a keen love/hate relationship over the years. the unwitting and unsuspecting approach me with tedious conversation skills and if i happen to be just bored enough, i'll start a little game i like to call "cherry pickin' time". sure, i'm only picking the low lying fruit, but sometimes, a special someone just begs to be picked over. in this example, our young volunteer, Manny, is thinking 'mate' at step 5 yet i'm thinking 'check mate' at step 4.

1. Manny D:
I bet you is a bad ass mofok.hehe

2. badass mo faux:
i do my best, dammit!

3. Manny D:
Atta girl!!!!! Your what makes us men try harder. Lol

4. badass mo faux: damn straight :-) -- so, let's see how you try

5. Manny D:
I dont know lady, I'm like a ninja, You wont even notice me and them bamn!!!!!! You'll be wondering how I did that.

6. badass mo faux: dear god, i hope it isn't that quick -- that would be like having sex with 'flash' the super hero -- over before it began.


7. Manny D: Lol!!!! ummm no. Lol Kinda came out wrong. hehe now you got me tryin to see how you assn your pets. I've never been the pet. Always the master.

8. badass mo faux:
well then, turn about would be fair play, wouldn't it?

9. Manny D:
hmmm, I would think so. But its hard to teach a dog new tricks. I'm a stubborn Dawg. hehe

10. badass mo faux:
that's ok, i'm a cowgirl all growed up, i have ways of making dogs and livestock perform feats that they are most unwilling to do

11. Manny D:
Really? that would be somnt. I always have the leash with a good grip and very close by. I would love to see how well you handle your pets.

12. badass mo faux:
i've been known to hog tie ornery individuals and leave them. sure, i coulda done a lot worse, like back on the ranch, but that was purty good fun.

13. Manny D:
nice, I've been known to tie up and blind fold individuals, but I never leave them. I use them up and play with their emotions b4 I release mine. It's always fun with me. Lol I'm due.

14. badass mo faux:
why exactly are you telling me this?

15. Manny D:
why not. You seem to be cool and have some stories yourself. I just happen to be lucky and get to chat chit with you tonight.

16. yohofaux & a bottle o'rum:
ahhhh -- but what i didn't tell you is that back at the ranch, when we tied up the bull calfs we cut off their testes and threw them to the dogs. (notice the name change? manny didn't)

17. Manny D: Lmao!!! yeah, Lol you did leave that part out. Your a Savage.

18. yohofaux & a bottle o'rum:
damn right -- and let me tell you, bull calves are a hell of a lot stronger than human beings

19. Manny D: true, but humans are a lot of a hell better. hehe

20. yohofaux & a bottle o'rum:
i think steak tastes a hell of a lot better

21. Manny D: depends on what your in the mood for. or how bad you want it. great sex is a delekesi. Lol

22. yohofaux & a bottle o'rum:
i reckon

23. Manny D: so how bout I go over yonder one dezz days and see for myself how bad ass of a wrangler you are. Lol

24. yohofaux & a bottle o'rum: there were always mixed feelings as i held the 38 to their soft lil heads -- sure, they'd drop in an instant, there would be blood and gore, and always the dogs to clean up the mess . . . .but then. . . . . there would be steak

honestly, i don't think you can handle me

and so, young Manny slunk back into the night, never to be heard from again. my dogs don't tell tales, but i just might.

submitted for your approval,
faux q. public

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Friday, March 13, 2009

dali fantasy

a dear friend sent me a rather rudimentary slideshow of one of my favorite artist's works that she had somehow adcquired. i do not know who the original creator is, but must express my thanks for the inspiration. i made some text edits, yet retained the mis-spelling of salvador's first name intentionally. lastly, i added a sound track which felt all too appropriate and created my third movie.

hope all who see enjoy

humbly submitted for your approval,