Friday, January 25, 2008

how i finally shocked my mother

four decades now i have set out to shock my mother, the unflappable nurse of northern california. i'm sure that during her career she has seen and heard it all. she worked in the los angeles area during the decade of hallucinogens and before that attended to the rich and addicted in las vegas. forty years of trying my ever loving best to get a reaction out of her failed to my utter disappointment.

what in the name of all that is holy could shock this woman?

  • was it threatening to throw her in a garbage can when i was just four years old? no.

  • was it maintaining honor roll status while executing dastardly deeds as a grade schooler? (putting the teachers vw in neutral and steering while a bunch of boys pushed it into the middle of the football field?) no.

  • desecrating the school building that was due to be demolished within months? not a bat of an eye.

  • was it introducing her to a young in man my senior year of high school and telling her that this was the man i was going to marry; pausing slightly (unintentionally) before adding 'in the senior play'? ok, that registered mild surprise, perhaps.

  • was it falling into a drunken stupor at the side of the house the night of my high school graduation with most of my clothing askew and the dog licking the evidence from my face? not really.

  • was it registering as a democratic socialist for my very first election just two weeks after turning 18? no.

  • was it traveling 500 miles with my best friend soon thereafter against her wishes? no, that just induced anger.

  • leaving home at 19, dropping out of college, and moving to san francisco on a whim to pursue my fame and fortune as a broadcaster? no, again, more anger.

  • was it marrying a man 14 years my senior that i had just met soon afterwards? no.

  • was it divorcing above mentioned man due to his drug dealing and using habits a mere two years later? no.

  • was it dating and falling in love with a bisexual man who i intended to spend the rest of my life with (after we finished living in a volare station wagon one summer in aspen)? no.

  • was it cutting my job and growing a hair? no.

  • how about the nose ring and hair colors not considered normal for hair? don't be silly!

  • the request for a nose ring for christmas? no, just a staunch refusal.

  • what about quitting all professional nonsense and choosing to stock produce at an organic store in a rough part of san francisco where i was on a first name basis with the neighborhood hookers on my way to work? nope.

  • my televised protests during the first gulf war in which we successfully closed the bay bridge? no.

  • more televised antics as a mud people freaking out the establishment in the financial district? no, but she did learn to stop telling her friends when i called to say that i was going to be on tv.

  • was it asking to move back home with her so i could finish school? nah.

  • how about marrying my baby brothers best friend, 9 years my junior? no, more anger.

  • the announcement of a pregnancy without any marriage plans? no.

  • the birth of my first child only one year after completing chemotherapy? again, no.

  • was it the sane and stable life i established for myself, husband and two little girls for ten years? of course not.

well, what then could it possibly be you may be wondering.

last weekend when i told her the republican candidate i was supporting in the upcoming presidential election.

there, i said it.

i'm voting republican this time. my mother said, well, we all get more conservative as we age and have family and assets to protect.

oh hell, i answered, this is pure strategy. our current numb nutted joker in the white house has created such a disaster that whoever inherits the job gets not only a gigantic mess to clean up, but is a lame duck president from the day of inauguration. i for one would prefer that the person who takes that hit take it for the grand old party.

i am positive that were this to happen that we could enjoy 8-16 years of sheer democratic jackass joy in at least two branches of our federal government. friends, that is enough to make me pull the lever for john mccain.

and that, is how i shocked my mother.

submitted for your approval,



  1. I know each and every story on that list, and yet you still knocked me out -- unexpectedly -- with this little jewel:

    "she did learn to stop telling her friends when i called to say that i was going to be on tv."

    Oh, thank you for that laugh. I'm singing the Motels song to myself as I type this, by the way.

  2. That is so funny! You are one fabulous nutter :-)